The Pluto Station and My Scorpio Moon

Pluto in the 4th house...about as literal as it gets.

Been a long time since I've posted on this blog, over two months. I have been writing and even blogging, but it's been on private blogs. I have a private Reiki blog with another Reiki Master with whom I practice a couple of times a month and we share our insights about our work there. I also have a private family history blog that I share with my children and selected others. I enjoy the freedom of the private blogs. I can share my writing but with selected individuals., and I can pretty much just let it all out. It's more spontaneous than what I do here. I've been journaling a lot as well, so I've been writing, writing, writing, but privately. I have written nothing public all summer.

Cancer Sun, Virgo Ascendant, Scorpio Moon...those are all introverted signs. Cancer and Scorpio especially like their privacy, and put Scorpio and the Moon together, that can be out and out secrecy, whether for good or ill.

So why do I have a public blog at all? I have Mercury conjunct Mars in Gemini in my 10th house conjunct my Midheaven, indicating outspokenness, good for public speaking via a blog or in person. I know I need to write more here. I have no end of blog posts in my head, but the Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio trio don't like the spotlight, and Sun, Moon, and Ascendant describe a big chunk of a person's basic personality.

Additionally, I also have Scorpio on the cusp of my 3rd house, and my Scorpio Moon is conjunct that cusp, either in the 2nd or 3rd depending on house system, square Pluto in Leo in the 11th house. How that works with respect to communication is that I am often silent, more of an observer than a partaker, and I am also often, in one way or another, silenced or blocked.

Sometimes I silence myself, sometimes for good reasons and at other times for all the wrong ones, and sometimes I allow myself, all too easily, to be silenced by others. And that, is almost always for the wrong reasons. I have many more regrets about things that I did not say that I should have said than vice versa, and that's saying a lot for Mercury-Mars in Gemini!

The third house is like another Mercury in some respects and is another description of our communication and decision-making style. So, on the one hand, I have a candid blurt-it-all-out style with Mercury-Mars in Gemini conjunct the Midheaven. Mercury-Mars: a sharp tongue, a word warrior. And on the other hand, I have this Scorpio Moon-Pluto square all connected to the 3rd house style which is silent, reticent and secretive, more interested in accumulating and acquiring information than disseminating it. It's great for research and detective work, not so good for sharing and communicating what I've learned. To get it out, I've got to use the Mercury in Gemini, and transferring stuff from the Scorpio part of my brain to the Gemini part of my brain does not always go smoothly. True to form, the Scorpio part does not always like to let go of what it has acquired.

Now a Moon-Pluto square, like everything else in astrology, has many levels of meaning and we're hearing about a lot of them because astrologers have been talking about the Moon-Pluto square in Barack Obama's chart. I'm particularly interested in that discussion because, like Obama, I have both a Moon-Pluto square and a Sun-Neptune square. More about that some other time...maybe...if I can transfer it to the Gemini part of my brain.

Anyway, for the past several months and some to come transiting Pluto has been semi-square my natal Moon at 14 Scorpio. A semi-square, 45 degrees, is like a square although in most cases the effect seems to be milder. For the effects of a wrenching Pluto to natal Moon transit, you need go no further than Elsa's blog who has courageously shared loss, grief, and trauma to a depth that I am simply not capable of in so public a forum. Thank you Elsa. Hugs to you. You are an inspiration.

As she has pointed out, transiting Pluto is currently stationing direct at 29:30 Sagittarius, and thus is intensely highlighting anything that it is focusing on in a natal chart at the moment, and in my chart it's been shining its big old flashlight right on my Moon-Pluto square while it has been hanging out in my 4th house. What I have experienced during this transit is that it is mostly about the past. Pluto transits in a house last for such a long time that we usually don't say something like, "Pluto is transiting in your 4th house and this is what it means..." It blends into the background, more easily discerned in hindsight. However, since transiting Pluto has been in my 4th house--childhood, home, family, history, habits acquired from early childhood, subconscious mind--I feel like there's been a backhoe digging up the backyard of my memories. It's been going on since about 2000, but since it's been semi-square my natal Moon, it's been very focused and intense.

It's been less about events in the present than about reviewing past "Pluto events," how I handled them and the consequences. One exception is the death of my mother back in January. That, of course, was a real, present-day event, but when one's 95-year-old mother dies, part of the bereavement process is a re-processing of the entire relationship. And, of course, what with a Scorpio Moon squared by Pluto, the 3rd house ruler, my mother had a huge influence on my communication style and challenges.

When I was in my mid-20's I made a major life-altering decision that virtually no one in my life approved of. For all appearances, I was being selfish and self-indulgent in a situation in which I should have been more responsible. However, I was making that decision because another person's behavior was becoming increasingly dangerous although there was simply no way I could prove it because he was extremely clever and cunning at covering his tracks. Furthermore, I had done things that hadn't exactly helped my case. But I really was making my decision to legitimately protect myself and others. I have my regrets and second thoughts about a lot of things, but I have never for one moment doubted the rightness of this decision.

During that time, I had a conversation with someone who by all rights should have been in my court and on my side. As we say now, she should've had my back. She expressed some doubts with what I was doing which was fair. But I started to explain, in general terms, what this person had done. I intended to go on and express my fears for the future. But she interrupted and said, "But how can I know I can believe you?" I do not remember what I said next, or how the conversation continued, or how and when it ended. Everything stood still in a very black space. I do remember vividly, however, exactly what I thought next. I was thinking that if she was not going to believe me, if she was going to accuse me of making it up, of lying, of exaggerating, or any variation of any of that, I was not going to divulge one shred of the whole painful, humiliating mess. And I never did. I never brought it up again, and neither did she. I never even hinted at any of it. Pluto in hard aspect (conjunction, square, opposition) to Sun, Moon, and Mercury can be absolute, total silence, secrets taken to the grave. Part of me has always raged inwardly for vindication, but I never spoke of it again to her and very little to anyone. To not be believed is almost as great an indignity as the original experiences. (Here we could have a discussion about Chiron in Sag in the 3rd house.) To be fair, the people who counted most, ultimately appreciated my decision, and I have no regrets.

All said and done, right?

Today, courtesy of Pluto the backhoe, I had a stunning realization. Something that had never before occurred to me, obvious though it is. By my silence I made her right. I believe she knew it was the truth and simply didn't want to hear it. But, she could always tell herself--and anyone else--that I must have been lying because I shut up when she doubted me.

So...while raging inwardly for vindication, by my silence, I had failed to vindicate myself.

I understand now what people mean when they say they want to set the record straight.

And that, folks, is today's story of Pluto's transit (semi-square) to my natal Scorpio Moon.

Peace to you--Doreen